This is far and away the darkest day I've had as a writer about the Indianapolis Colts.
This morning I recounted what I had heard about Peyton Manning's health to the best of my abilities. I have tried to be as dispassionate and professional as possible. The Colts have issued a statement which doesn't contradict any of what I wrote. In fact, I gave the team the opportunity to kill the story before I ran it, but they offered no comment.
I have behaved entirely professionally today.
And I hate it.
Quite honestly, I've struggled with my desire to continue this web site for some time. Today, more than ever, I wish I had quit.
I don't want to have to be a reporter. I don't want to have to be rational about the fact that Peyton Manning is not playing this week, and I don't believe he's likely to play for a good long time.
It's awful news. It's heartbreaking news.
I want to sit in my room and listen to the Calamity Song over and over again.
All that remains is the arms of the angels, is right.
I don't want to speculate about Andrew Luck. I don't want to analyze the cap ramifications if Manning isn't right and never comes back.
The player who most singularly defined my team and my city for more than a decade has had his impenetrable facade pierced, and now, unthinkably, I'm stuck with Kerry Collins.
So, yeah, I'm down about that. Way down.
I want to make something clear: I didn't write my piece today for attention, page hits or any other such purpose. I wrote it because it's what I was told, and I know that all of you want information. I hope to God it's all bunch of made up lies and tall tales. I can tell you this, one of the same sources told us about Tressel's suspension. We didn't run it because I couldn't get a second confirmation. He was dead on right about it though, and it makes me believe him all the more about the other things he said in regards to Manning. You are well within your rights to be skeptical. I, however, am not.
So many fans are clinging to hope.
I know. I would be too.
I see it in the comments. I can hear the incredulity, the last vestiges of faith trying to peak their heads out. I'm being cruel to be kind. He's not playing this week. Many with the team believe the worst. That's I what I heard. That's what I reported.
Kill the hope, Colts fans. He's not playing any time soon.
If tomorrow, Peyton has a complete recovery and I look like an ass, I'll be the first to celebrate. I've never wanted to be wrong about something more in my life.
This is in the top five worst days I've ever had as a Colts fan. I don't want to write about it. I'm still suffering through it. I honestly don't know how I'm going make it through this season. I've been planning on largely shutting down this offseason to work on the Marvin Harrison Project. After today, I honestly don't know why I would want to come back.
I'm sorry to be the bringer of bad news.
Right now, I'm sorry to be the bringer of any news.